A Balanced Life? Really?

A Balanced Life? Really?
By Kraig Boyd, LPC

When I was a single parent, I was lucky just to balance my checkbook—forget about my life! (Did I even have one?) So I abandoned the idea of balance (for now) and adopted a new/old philosophy: “To every thing there is a season.” As a single parent attending school, this is not likely to be a season of balanced living. It will probably be more like the season of perpetual crisis. That’s okay, because this is your time to create a better future for yourself and your child or children.

No, you cannot give your child or children everything you would like to right now, yet you are giving them a living role model, teaching them that it is possible to do hard things. In addition to this, give them as much time as you possibly can, and let that be enough for this season.  

In this blog I share some insights intended to help you to thrive in this challenging season. Things like learning to how to say no, staying focused, setting firm boundaries, and letting go of toxic single parent shame. Click below to read the full article.

I have just about heard enough of the importance of living a “balanced life.” I used to wonder why I wasn’t smart enough to figure out how to achieve a balanced life. In my mind I would conjure up the vision of a still youthful me, meditating calmly on a beautiful deserted beach, serenely well balanced in all aspects of my existence. In reality my life has never looked anything like that, and seldom has there been any semblance of “balance.” Certainly when I was a single parent, I was lucky just to balance my checkbook—forget about my life! (Did I even have one?) So I have adopted a new philosophy: “To every thing there is a season.”

Unless you happen to be independently wealthy, single parenthood is not likely to be a season of balanced living. Add in the demands of work and school, and it is probably going to look more like a season of perpetual crisis. I think it is vital to recognize that all seasons are temporary, and every season has its own priorities. As a single parent attending school, this is the season to create a better future for yourself and your child or children. In striving to achieve that future, it is essential that your priorities are clearly defined and laser focused. For now, anything that does not promote your success in school or does not directly benefit you or your children, can be disregarded.

Nothing will un-balance your life like losing your sense of direction.

This probably means learning to say no—a difficult skill for many of us to master. I suggest that you keep a focused picture in your head of the future you are building for yourself and your child or children. That future is much more important than pleasing others, whether they are family, friends, or coworkers. This picture of what you really want may help you to say no to things that are less important to you (even if they are very important to others). This may seem selfish, but actually it is only learning to express healthy boundaries which is better for everyone in the long run.

Hopefully, this is not your season for toxic shame. Letting go of shame can be an especially challenging task for single parents. I would like to remind you that you are doing a lot of things right. The fact that you are trying to move forward under difficult circumstances is one of those right things. Beware of parenting from a position of shame. A shamed parent is a shaming parent and an inconsistent parent (a topic for another blog on another day). No, you cannot give your child or children everything you would like to right now, but you are giving them a living role model, teaching them that it is possible to do hard things. In addition to this, give them as much time as you possibly can, and let that be enough for this season.

I was never even close to being a perfect parent, but that’s okay. My children know that I did the best that I could, given the circumstances and who I was at the time. In the season of grand-parenthood, I can assure you that the struggle has been rewarded!